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Guilty

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I’m guilty

of forgetting

of a memory that’s fading

I can’t remember

The sound of your voice

That lulled me to bed

when my heart filled with dread

or urged me to be tough

when the going got rough

Or bolstered me up

When my cup

spilled over

And said, ‘Try my dear, once more.’

 

I’m guilty

of going against the norm

letting cobwebs form

In the nooks and crannies

Of a chest full of memories

Its’ key misplaced

The lock rusted

Stacked files 

forgotten piles

Gathering dust

Under this polished crust

Lying so deep

No longer make me weep

 

I thought I’d die

When I said, ‘Goodbye’

‘Time heals all,’ they said

Those that saw my eyes red

Hatred spewed from every cell

‘Keep your mouths shut,’ I wished to yell

My loss, unfathomable, I believed

Those that thought, ‘time would heal,’ were deceived

I’m guilty

Of failing

Of my memories dwindling

I’m trying so hard

To keep you alive – its’ made me a bard.

 

I write this poem in memory of my mother whom I lost 13 years’ and 10 months ago. We were close – so close that I wanted to die when she went away. Having kids or being married didn’t make things any better. Yet now, I do not remember her often. And I feel guilty of moving on. I ask myself, ‘Why?’

And I think maybe it hurt so badly that my mind found a way of dulling the memories.  Maybe that’s what ‘Time heals everything,’ means.

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12 Comments »

  1. I think maybe that’s true Smitha, it would be hard to live in a state of acute grief all the time. I do sometimes struggle to remember my parents (my dad died 18 years ago, my mother 10), and I do forget them at times, but when I remember them it’s easier.

    Like

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